A week ago I read an article in Parenting magazine titled "I'm a Married Single Mom". The title immediately caught my eye. I had felt like this and referred to myself like this many times in the past years. Ideas and thoughts started popping into my head so I sat down and began to write.
I had an entire post all typed up and ready to go but even as I was typing it I knew it wasn't something I would want to publish. I decided to let it sit for a few days (ok, maybe the kids made that decision) and finally made it back to the computer tonight. As I reread the post I knew that it wasn't going to make the cut. I was complaining, bitching, whining and actually speaking ill of a former friend (though no names were mentioned). Not qualities that I pride myself on, so keeping a few lines I erased almost the entire post.
When I started writing there were certain things that I wanted to point out and share, though in my, now erased, ranting I got none of these points across. It was an entire post of "oh poor me". And it made me want to slap myself.
I wasn't sure how to tie everything together so I'm just going to give few short explanations of the things that this article made me think...
- I don't want to be a mom that always says "I can't wait..." I know I've done it before, sometime it's hard not to, especially with kids. It starts with "I can't wait till I'm pregnant" and quickly morphs to "...till he's walking". "...till she's talking.", "...till they are old enough to..." It never ends and before you know it you've missed everything! I will catch myself every once in a while thinking "I can't wait..." and when I do I remind myself that they are here, now, right in front of me. And I smile.
- Doing things by myself and for myself. This is probably the hardest thing for me. I am a mom. Before I was a mom, I was a mom. I have always been one to want to nurture and comfort people. I will put aside what I want, to make sure that other people are happy. I can still be there for other people but I need to focus on myself. I know that I need to do this and I am working on it.
- I can't figure out a polite, neutral way to start my last point so I will just write the end which is this...I will do things on my own time, my own way, when I am ready. If you try to preach to me what you do or believe, it will only make me want to try it even less. (This has nothing to do with religion, I usually avoid any conversation in that area at all costs.) Right now there are other things that I need to focus on.
- With each day you realize what is a priority. Even if you think you know what your priorities are you need to always be aware, they can shift at any given moment. We are constantly shifting our lives around to what suits us best, especially lately! I've come to terms with some of the crappier parts of our life at the moment and doing what I can to change them and make it better. Everyone has to do it, all the time, it's the only way to survive.
So, even though there are some days that I barely see my husband I know that it is only for now. I "can't wait" around for him to be home when I have the kids in front of me giving my life joy! I take care of my family, because making them happy makes me happy. I do all of this because that is what I want to do, right now. I'm ready for what ever this life has to give us because I have my family, they are what matters to me. They are my priority.